I think a lot. I analyze everything. The whats, where, whys, what nots, how comes…basically everything and all questions. If you know me personally, you know this about me. I feel sometimes there is a realization or “understanding” of situations that occur and it becomes frustrating trying to figure it out. That is me. I need answers.
Recently, I have been troubled with death, disputes, arguments, and relationships. I have puzzled my mind trying to understand….”what is going on?” Why is this happening? What is God trying to tell me? Can I work this thing out with them? What have I done wrong? What could I have done differently or more of? Just a lot of questions. Then it hit me….
Why stress? If I believe God is in control that is enough. I must continue to pray through trials and tribulations. My pastor says all the time that “a storm with Jesus is better than a storm without Him”. I know I am in a storm and it is overpowering. I am not going to be able to understand everything. No one can. Everything does not deserve an answer. I can not ask and even tell people to do what they are not able to do. If they do, they do, if they don’t they don’t. I have to keep moving on with what I have to do for me. Which leads me to my other realization…
…I stress, analyze, and question I know because I care. I care deeply for people and their feelings, thoughts, and actions. I bend over backwards for just about everyone and everything. Is that a bad thing? Is that a weakness? Sometimes I think (scratch that…I know) because I care so much it makes me vulnerable to things that should not affect me. I step in and try to figure things out that sometimes I can not resolve. It is just my nature. I can not save everyone and sometimes people don’t want to be saved. The key is to “semi”-transform this pattern, and accept what you can not change. I can continue to care, but don’t let it consume me. I can not help everyone.
I say all this to say, that we are in critical times and true understanding is going to happen within. You have to truly know yourself. Know what you are capable of; know what drives you; know what challenges you. I know this thought pattern has been erupted in me because of situations that have happened recently, but I thank GOD, for giving me the discerning spirit to recognize it. Years ago, I know I wouldn’t have been able to see it. It is a process and I am learning.
Like I said, I am “understanding”….