I have discussions with many eligible Black Men who are looking for a wife. They prefer a Black woman, yet through all the sifting to find their Mrs., they still have not been inspired to run to the jewelry store.
Some time ago, I wrote an article entitled, 5 Mindsets that Hinder Black Women from Relationship Success. The article pissed a lot of women off needless to say, and the responses sent to me gave the impression that many believed a man wrote the article. Others felt that I was a narrow-minded woman, and did not have a grip on reality. Then there were some who passed the blame to Black men and asked me, “What about him?”
While the state of our intimate relationships does not fall solely on us as Black women, we are the solution. Therefore, when we see a problem, it will behoove us to instead of passing the buck, look in the mirror and see what we can do differently to produce a different outcome.
Black women have amazing power. Yet, many do not know how to channel that power to create the type of life and relationship she desires. Many buy into the hype that Black women out-number Black men 12 to 1 and it is hard to find a good Black man because of the stats. That’s a crock of shit! Black women have a problem finding a good Black man because Black women have to learn to be better Black women and make better choices for themselves.
Dr. Umar Johnson broke it down perfectly when he said that while there may be more women than men in the Black community, by the time men sift through the “pickins,” it is really not many to choose from and the good Black men are usually vying for the same women.
I can believe that because the year my husband asked me to marry him, I had four marriage proposals in that same year within a four week period, including one from a wealthy Caucasian man. In addition, I nurtured friendships with several eligible good Black men who were looking for a wife, and would make any descent woman, a suitable mate. The funny thing is, I introduced a few women I knew to these eligible men, and it was an interesting situation.
The truth is some Black women are just plain stupid! And many scream how they want a good Black man, but when one is staring them in the face, they don’t even recognize him because the list is ridiculous, they expect perfection, or gives a man no room for growth, yet expect all the concessions in the world. Further, they expect him to bring everything to the table, while they come with nothing but an appetite. Some Black women come with superficial crap and to add insult to injury, they pass him up, go get some knucklehead and then blame all of Black creation for their stupidity!
Contrary to popular belief, there are good Black men out there. Most are not in prison, most are not gay, and most are not “no good.” That’s a lie, and somebody made you to believe some “okey doke.” I speak with many good Black men on a daily basis in my practice who are looking for you! But let me tell you why they can’t find you and when they do why they refuse to pop the question.
6 Reasons Why Black Men Won’t Marry Black Women:
1. Too Much Drama –Let me translate. Black men say Black women sometimes lack self-control. They allow their emotions to get the best of them and they don’t know how to act when confronted with a problem. Rather than be sensible in dealing with a matter they become destructive and destroy everything around them. Some of you (they say) bring too much “drama” and they don’t want to be yoked with someone who is unable to control themselves or handle a situation in a civilized manner.
Men say: Be the type of person you say you want. Get your emotions in check. You might be right but you don’t have to destroy everything to get what you want.
2. Too Much Baggage – Let me help you out here. Black men say while your children are not necessarily baggage; five, six, eight children and four different baby daddies can be an issue. While they have no problem committing to a woman with children, they see multiple young children with different fathers as a sign of promiscuity and poor decision-making skills. They also see it as a sign of irresponsibility and low self-esteem. Men say, they don’t want a woman who every Tom, Dick, and Harry has laid with because not only does it raise questions about cleanliness and sexual health, it breeds DRAMA!
Men say: Close your Damn Legs! Stop giving yourself to men who are not worthy of you. Multiple sexual partners impact your physical well-being, as well as your emotional, mental, and psychological health. If you ain’t dead, you’re crazy as hell, or reflect some crazy-ass dude’s attitude.
3. Too Many Attachments & Lack Of Trust – Sisters, good Black men say stop treating them like they’re Tyrone. Some of you carry baggage from relationship to relationship and make them pay for what some “ninja” did to you. You sabotage a good thing by being bitter, resentful, and not letting go of the pain from your past.
Men say: We want to love you, but you got to love yourself first. Let go of the hurt and quit making us responsible for your pain. Give us the benefit of the doubt. Get help even if you don’t think you need it.
4. Too Much Control – Good brothers say they want to be the man, but you gotta let go of your grip some. They think that you are so independent that you “don’t need a man.” Some of you can be so cold and clinical they are left wondering where is that femininity and soul sister who gets his struggle as a Black man in a white supremacist world.
Men say: You might be able to have it all, but not all at the same time. Let go of some of the control. Be willing to share the power. Be willing to learn new ways of doing things and teach us new ways of doing things lovingly. Don’t beat us down with your mouth. Know when to shut-up and think.
5. Too Many Games – Ladies, this is a big one. Men say they don’t want you to change up on them. Stop trying to trick them into believing that you are something you are not. You got all this shit on you – fake hair, fake nails, fake tatas, booty-draws, and the whole makeup counter on your face. They say, “Damn, just be honest about being a “brown-eyed or cocked-eyed, bald headed, flat butt hood rat” and they might be able to deal with it. But they say you be like, “I’mma get you sucka!”
Men want you to be real with them. Many good men say that they love a woman to take care of herself and whatever she does to enhance her natural beauty; they can get with that, but at least tell the truth about it, instead of having them think it’s all you. They also say stop “cock-teasing” (ouch) – enticing them sexually getting them aroused when you know damn well you’re not putting out. Ladies another thing men say is when you know another woman is in the race, stop trying to secretly sabotage her with your cattiness, instead, bring you’re A-game because the cream always rises to the top.
Men say: While we do like to see your assets, we also know that if you are displaying all of your goods for the world to see, you just might be a liability. Also, we have gauges to spot crazies, gold-diggers, and fatal attractions. If you are even remotely “suspect,” we run like hell.
6. Too Shallow & Superficial – Some women can be so smart that they’re dumb. Their desires are carnal, their conversations are shallow, and their “needs” are superficial. Men say they avoid some type of women like the plague because she is more symbol than substance. They say, we might “tap” it, but that’s as far as it will go. “She’s too expensive to keep around.” They rather find and marry Plain Jane or Ugly Betty because she knows how to run his shit and help him to multiple it. Plus she is grateful, appreciative of what he gives her and does for her, and doesn’t take him for granted.
Men say: Don’t just see us as a bank or provider. We got needs too. We cry, we feel, we want to be love and appreciated just like you. We got issues too. Let’s talk about that. Stop defining our character as a man by how much money we have, whether or not we live in a big house, or drive a fancy car, or even have one at all. A good woman will help us get to where we want to go and be willing to share in the work and the workload of creating the life she desires. As a man we do it for a good woman and all we ask for is support, a little appreciation, and maybe a good home-cooked meal.