During my 12 years as a relationship expert, I’ve noticed a trend repeating itself over and over (… and over) again.
What might that trend be, exactly?
Bright, beautiful, professional women succeeding at everything except one thing — Dating.
But more specifically, online dating, with a great majority of women who go out on a first date rarely getting a call back for a second.
This year, while traveling as a featured relationship expert for “The Great Love Debate” tour, I’ve noticed on a very consistent basis, in major cities like: Atlanta, Washington DC, and New York City, women consistently confirm this problematic pattern.
Ladies, let me explain why this vicious cycle lives on — the problem lies somewhere in between saying and doing all the wrong things, at the wrong time — while simultaneously being unreasonably paranoid about men.
I do understand that there’s a very legitimate reason why women are struggling with dating, and especially online dating.
You’re cautious, ladies, and rightfully so given that there’s a lot of sorry ass men parading about … men that you definitely need to avoid at all cost. I totally get it.
But, though caution is entirely reasonable, it’s also not OK to hide behind your computer screen and toy with people — stringing them along. (And yes, that is definitely what a lot of you do!)
If you truly want to meet a decent guy, you have to take a risk! You have no choice but to put yourself out there. Believe me, being overly guarded and paranoid is hurting you far more than it’s helping you.
Research tells us that 30 percent of people (20,000 people surveyed), met their significant others online. Notably, out of that 30 percent, 10 percent ended up in long-term, committed relationships. Furthermore, additional research from the University of Chicago’s Department of Psychology: Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience, confirms that couples who meet online have better relationship outcomes than those who met by other means.
Which leads me to the point of this article …
If online dating is capable of yielding such fantastic results, why are so many women failing at it? Here are the seven reasons you’re striking out online, ladies. Your biggest barrier to finding great love is … you!
1. You have unrealistic expectations. Dating is just that — dating. Whether online or otherwise, dating is not a platform for conjuring up a “mail-ordered” ideal man. Many women have the false assumption that if you write in your journal about the fantasy man you dream of (or pin pictures of him on Pinterest) you’ll magically “manifest” that Prince Charming out on the dating scene.
Stop it! You’re making yourself look like a desperate, delusional fool. Nothing turns a man off faster than a woman with her head in the clouds.
Dating should partly be rooted in fun and curiosity, not a maniacal fantasy. A first date (and even a second) is an opportunity to simply meet and engage with someone, for no purpose other than good getting-to-know-you conversation and (if all goes well) a laugh or two. If those dates go somewhere, great! If not, you still enjoyed yourself because you weren’t prematurely concerned about a future with the man you just met.
2. Your standards are higher than what you have to offer. You want Prince Charming, but are you his equal in all regards? You want handsome looks, a person of character, and a partner with a great personality? Well so does he! And since men are mostly visual (at least initially) before you start dating, get yourself together; be the best version of you possible — physically, mentally, emotionally and financially — prior to dating anyone. If you don’t value fitness and health in the aforementioned forms, how can you honestly expect to attract the Boris Kodjoe or Channing Tatum types?
If you meet the perfect guy, but you don’t have your ducks in a row — IT WON’T WORK. You must truly and fully be that which you seek.
3. Endless back and forth messaging. Unless you’re looking for a pen-pal, stop writing so many messages back and forth before you meet (or decide you’re not interested). Again, men are visual. The alternative? Suggest video chatting on Skype. This allows a face to face conversation from a safe distance. Thus, he receives the “visual” while you remain in the safe comfort of your home.
The more messages you send back and forth without satisfying his visual curiosity, the greater the likelihood of him losing interest. Does that mean send him naked or suggestive pictures? No, not at all. But it does mean (if you’re interested) let him see your face. If you’re not interested, stop wasting his (and your) time.
4. You think your vagina is the golden fleece. Successful men have their pick of women. Having your guard up and thinking (or acting) like having sex with you is every man’s quest makes you come across as a pompous, egotistical queen bee. Check your ego at the door and, instead, try being down to earth, authentic and transparent.
The man you want, more than likely, is in high demand … and knows it. Be the opposite of most women. Be you. If anything let him know you like sex as much as him, but let him know you’re looking for the right guy to share true intimacy with.
5. Waiting on him to call you. After all, this the 21st Century … so maybe act like it. Successful men are busy. Just because he didn’t call you doesn’t mean he’s not interested. Moreover, some men want to see if you’re really interested in them, as well. Don’t play the waiting game, If you like the guy, show him. Actions speak louder than words. Don’t pester him if he doesn’t reply, but a confident woman can make the first move.
6. Posting “usies” instead of “selfies.” Liken this to you going out to the club with a bunch of your girlfriends. The odds of a man approaching you under those conditions are slim to none. The same is true for internet dating. So lose pictures that show you in the company of groups of women, with children, or that don’t show you at all.
They send the wrong message about you.
To a man, such images suggest that you, either, aren’t capable of giving him your undivided attention or that you live your life by committee. As for the images of landscapes and pets, it sends the message that you’re hiding something — something, like your figure! Let a man see as many sides of you as possible. That says you’re confident, diverse and definitely capable of keeping his attention.
7. Making demands. One of the dumbest things you can do in a conversation (or put on your profile), is a statement that makes you look desperate or freakishly controlling. Saying things like, “I’m only looking for a serious relationship. If you’re not ready for commitment then don’t waste my time.” This makes you look clingy, defensive, and infers that from day one, dating you will be a burdensome suffocating experience.
Demanding things from someone, especially someone whom you’ve never met, is a sign that you have unresolved issues! Not being permeable or flexible is a very unattractive quality. If you want to run a man off, just pressure him or be antagonistic — I have no doubt you’ll succeed.
Obviously this list could be much longer, but these are the main reasons why men won’t go past exchanging a few messages, let alone commit to a first date with you.
Remember, dating is just that — dating. It’s supposed to genuinely be fun. Having no expectations doesn’t mean you lack standards. Staying open-minded works to your advantage. When dating online, make it your business to simply meet people, enjoy their company and make friends with them.
The Universe works in mysterious ways. For all you know, the man you’re looking for might very well be a friend, a relative or the colleague of the man you went out on a date with or met online.
Lastly, the moment you make up your mind to enjoy dating — to stop saying and doing the wrong things at the wrong time while being unreasonably paranoid and overly suspicious — I promise you will never feel lonely or be alone again.