5 Better Ways For A Man To Pursue A Woman In The World Of Modern Dating

Twenty20 / DavidGavilanes
Twenty20 / DavidGavilanes

Is there an ultimate guide to picking up women? The short answer: there isn’t one. Sorry, dude.

Well there are, but don’t waste your time (or money) on them. The phrase “picking up women” is degrading in the first place. The purpose of this article is to help a guy become more desirable and to become a more wholesome being. So for now, take the fedora off of your head, shave your unsightly beard, and read up on some observations I’ve taken note of that may or may not benefit you, bro.

From what I’ve observed, women generally want someone who is open and honest. The keyword is “generally” because there isn’t a one size fits all solution. This is because there isn’t one type of woman, or one type of guy. Different women will want different things so allow these five steps to be a general guide, a compass if you will, in steering you into the right direction of your romantic journey.

1. State your intentions

Do you want a long-term relationship or do you just want to “casually date”? Do you even want to be in a committed relationship or do you really just want to hook-up? The most important question to begin with is to ask yourself what exactly it is you want out of whatever it is you’re pursuing. Let’s divide it into two simple scenarios.

Scenario A: Long-term relationship: If a long-term relationship is what you seek, it should find its foundation on a firm friendship. Start by building up that foundation and actually get to know that person first. This can be achieved by simply being yourself and wanting to be their friend for the sake of being their friend. (See #3)

Scenario B: Casual relationship: It’s 2016, and we’re continuing to progress as a society. We’re progressing in our view of sexuality and in promoting sex positivity. It’s okay for two individuals to just have sex, as long that it’s mutually consented upon. It’s okay for two individuals to have sex and move beyond that. However, if you emotionally manipulate a woman for sex, that’s fucked up. Don’t do that. That’s wrong.

You should be open and honest with your intentions. This should apply not only to yourself but with your intended partner as well. Most importantly, you should always respect a woman’s boundaries. It’s important to understand what you want, but if the person you’re talking to doesn’t want the same thing, you should respect that.

2. Be genuine

Be yourself. If you’re afraid that someone won’t like you for who you truly are, then what’s the point of pursuing them romantically? The human population is huge, and there’s bound to be someone that can click with you. Plus, people generally aren’t stupid and can sniff out when a person is being fake. Nobody likes a fake. In addition to that, your lies and all of the other shit would probably end up snowballing into an avalanche, so save yourself the trouble by getting in touch with who you really are and projecting that. True happiness in a relationship is being able to completely be yourself with your partner.

3. Accept just being friends

There’s nothing wrong with just being friends. If you get upset over that, it only means you viewed that woman as some sort of sick sexual prize (yes, that’s wrong). Here’s a tip: treat a woman like a person because -gasp- women are people too! Also, women tend to have a firm grasp on how most other women think. If you’re friends with a woman, there’s a slight chance she can help you and be your wingwoman or even just expand your worldview which can lead into you becoming a more well-rounded individual. Plus, the world is a lot less lonelier in good company.

4. Have confidence

This might be one the majority of us struggle with, but it’s a critical component in successfully finding a partner. Confidence tends to ranks high on characteristics people look for in a partner. Confidence is different from arrogance. Confidence is knowing you’re the shit, while arrogance is claiming you’re the shit. There’s a clear difference, my friend.

If you have a lack of self-confidence, learn to believe in yourself. If you access the depths of your soul, I’m confident there are, if not just one, multiple redeeming qualities that you possess. Don’t kick yourself down before others get a chance to, and even if others do kick you down, have resiliency. Be self-aware. The first thing people notice about you is the image of yourself that you project to the public. So, as superficial as it may sound, walking without erect posture, mumbling in an inaudible voice, and failing to make eye contact might serve as an undesirable first impression.

5. Be respectful and have strong communication skills

This isn’t just a quality for the workplace. Being an effective communicator is an essential skill to navigating through life and especially in romantic situations. You should actively listen to your partner or the woman you’re talking to. It’ll show them that you value their opinions, even if you may not necessarily agree with them.

In the event that there is a misunderstanding or if you feel one exists, politely address the situation. However, you should never make an accusational statement. Address matters in a calm tone.

Communication also extends beyond verbal usage. Your body can reveal more than what you say. Show interest. Maintain eye contact, and most importantly, smile. Don’t only be genuinely interested, but show that genuine interest as well. Give that person your undivided attention. This means not being on your phone when you’re with them.

Having good communication skills also means knowing when a conversation is undesirable. This is extremely important. If you’ve been persistently messaging a person and the amount of effort you’ve been applying isn’t reciprocated, there’s a 99.9% (clearly made-up statistic provided in order to exaggerate a point) chance that the person has no interest in talking to you, and you know what? You should totally respect that and probably move on.

Man, if all else fails…

Just be a goddamn decent human being. It’s really not that hard. As sad as it may sound, that honestly seems to be the minimum requirement these days. However, there’s a difference between being genuinely nice and being “a nice guy”. For your own sake and for the sake of the rest of us, please don’t fall into the latter category.

Remember: Don’t feel entitled to some sort of reward, whether physical or emotional, for being “nice”. Just because you buy a woman dinner doesn’t mean you deserve any sexual acts. Expecting that kind of makes you an asshole, fyi. If you take a woman out to dinner with the sole intention of getting to know her romantically, explicitly state your intentions in order to prevent any mishap and confusion. Women don’t owe you anything.


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6 Reasons Why Black Men Won’t Marry Black Women

6 Reasons Why Black Men Won’t Marry Black Women

I have discussions with many eligible Black Men who are looking for a wife. They prefer a Black woman, yet through all the sifting to find their Mrs., they still have not been inspired to run to the jewelry store.

Some time ago, I wrote an article entitled, 5 Mindsets that Hinder Black Women from Relationship Success. The article pissed a lot of women off needless to say, and the responses sent to me gave the impression that many believed a man wrote the article. Others felt that I was a narrow-minded woman, and did not have a grip on reality. Then there were some who passed the blame to Black men and asked me, “What about him?”

While the state of our intimate relationships does not fall solely on us as Black women, we are the solution. Therefore, when we see a problem, it will behoove us to instead of passing the buck, look in the mirror and see what we can do differently to produce a different outcome.

Black women have amazing power. Yet, many do not know how to channel that power to create the type of life and relationship she desires. Many buy into the hype that Black women out-number Black men 12 to 1 and it is hard to find a good Black man because of the stats. That’s a crock of shit! Black women have a problem finding a good Black man because Black women have to learn to be better Black women and make better choices for themselves.

Dr. Umar Johnson broke it down perfectly when he said that while there may be more women than men in the Black community, by the time men sift through the “pickins,” it is really not many to choose from and the good Black men are usually vying for the same women.

I can believe that because the year my husband asked me to marry him, I had four marriage proposals in that same year within a four week period, including one from a wealthy Caucasian man. In addition, I nurtured friendships with several eligible good Black men who were looking for a wife, and would make any descent woman, a suitable mate. The funny thing is, I introduced a few women I knew to these eligible men, and it was an interesting situation.

The truth is some Black women are just plain stupid! And many scream how they want a good Black man, but when one is staring them in the face, they don’t even recognize him because the list is ridiculous, they expect perfection, or gives a man no room for growth, yet expect all the concessions in the world. Further, they expect him to bring everything to the table, while they come with nothing but an appetite. Some Black women come with superficial crap and to add insult to injury, they pass him up, go get some knucklehead and then blame all of Black creation for their stupidity!

Contrary to popular belief, there are good Black men out there. Most are not in prison, most are not gay, and most are not “no good.” That’s a lie, and somebody made you to believe some “okey doke.”  I speak with many good Black men on a daily basis in my practice who are looking for you! But let me tell you why they can’t find you and when they do why they refuse to pop the question.

6 Reasons Why Black Men Won’t Marry Black Women:

1.  Too Much Drama –Let me translate. Black men say Black women sometimes lack self-control. They allow their emotions to get the best of them and they don’t know how to act when confronted with a problem. Rather than be sensible in dealing with a matter they become destructive and destroy everything around them. Some of you (they say) bring too much “drama” and they don’t want to be yoked with someone who is unable to control themselves or handle a situation in a civilized manner.

Men say: Be the type of person you say you want. Get your emotions in check. You might be right but you don’t have to destroy everything to get what you want.

2.  Too Much Baggage – Let me help you out here. Black men say while your children are not necessarily baggage; five, six, eight children and four different baby daddies can be an issue. While they have no problem committing to a woman with children, they see multiple young children with different fathers as a sign of promiscuity and poor decision-making skills. They also see it as a sign of irresponsibility and low self-esteem. Men say, they don’t want a woman who every Tom, Dick, and Harry has laid with because not only does it raise questions about cleanliness and sexual health, it breeds DRAMA!

Men say: Close your Damn Legs! Stop giving yourself to men who are not worthy of you. Multiple sexual partners impact your physical well-being, as well as your emotional, mental, and psychological health. If you ain’t dead, you’re crazy as hell, or reflect some crazy-ass dude’s attitude.

3.  Too Many Attachments & Lack Of Trust – Sisters, good Black men say stop treating them like they’re Tyrone. Some of you carry baggage from relationship to relationship and make them pay for what some “ninja” did to you. You sabotage a good thing by being bitter, resentful, and not letting go of the pain from your past.

Men say: We want to love you, but you got to love yourself first. Let go of the hurt and quit making us responsible for your pain. Give us the benefit of the doubt. Get help even if you don’t think you need it.

4.  Too Much Control – Good brothers say they want to be the man, but you gotta let go of your grip some. They think that you are so independent that you “don’t need a man.” Some of you can be so cold and clinical they are left wondering where is that femininity and soul sister who gets his struggle as a Black man in a white supremacist world.

Men say: You might be able to have it all, but not all at the same time. Let go of some of the control. Be willing to share the power. Be willing to learn new ways of doing things and teach us new ways of doing things lovingly. Don’t beat us down with your mouth. Know when to shut-up and think.

5.  Too Many Games – Ladies, this is a big one. Men say they don’t want you to change up on them. Stop trying to trick them into believing that you are something you are not. You got all this shit on you – fake hair, fake nails, fake tatas, booty-draws, and the whole makeup counter on your face. They say, “Damn, just be honest about being a “brown-eyed or cocked-eyed, bald headed, flat butt hood rat” and they might be able to deal with it. But they say you be like, “I’mma get you sucka!”

Men want you to be real with them. Many good men say that they love a woman to take care of herself and whatever she does to enhance her natural beauty; they can get with that, but at least tell the truth about it, instead of having them think it’s all you. They also say stop “cock-teasing” (ouch) – enticing them sexually getting them aroused when you know damn well you’re not putting out. Ladies another thing men say is when you know another woman is in the race, stop trying to secretly sabotage her with your cattiness, instead, bring you’re A-game because the cream always rises to the top.

Men say: While we do like to see your assets, we also know that if you are displaying all of your goods for the world to see, you just might be a liability. Also, we have gauges to spot crazies, gold-diggers, and fatal attractions. If you are even remotely “suspect,” we run like hell.

6.  Too Shallow & Superficial – Some women can be so smart that they’re dumb. Their desires are carnal, their conversations are shallow, and their “needs” are superficial. Men say they avoid some type of women like the plague because she is more symbol than substance. They say, we might “tap” it, but that’s as far as it will go. “She’s too expensive to keep around.” They rather find and marry Plain Jane or Ugly Betty because she knows how to run his shit and help him to multiple it. Plus she is grateful, appreciative of what he gives her and does for her, and doesn’t take him for granted.

Men say: Don’t just see us as a bank or provider. We got needs too. We cry, we feel, we want to be love and appreciated just like you. We got issues too. Let’s talk about that. Stop defining our character as a man by how much money we have, whether or not we live in a big house, or drive a fancy car, or even have one at all. A good woman will help us get to where we want to go and be willing to share in the work and the workload of creating the life she desires. As a man we do it for a good woman and all we ask for is support, a little appreciation, and maybe a good home-cooked meal.

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